Ten years ago, I hit publish for the first time. My ideas of blogging were naïve. It felt strange and vulnerable to share my words with the whole wide world. And that’s what the internet and a blog meant to me. My heart raced as my finger hovered over the mouse. I hesitated. Inhaled and exhaled…….then sent my first post out into the world.
It sounds dramatic but it was that way for me. I’ve been a writer my entire life. In diaries when I was a girl. Journals as a young woman and even now. I will always keep a handwritten journal. They are my written prayers and thoughts and laments. Records of my joy and pain, hopes, doubts, and fear.
The blog is much of the same, only not as personal. Still real. Still personal. But God and I are the only ones who need to know the deepest and ugliest parts of my heart.
That Was Then
I read this ten year old post last night and thought about the woman I was then. I loved God and wanted my life to reflect that. I was desperately trying to fix my marriage and be what God wanted me to be. I wanted to build a better life for my kids – one where they felt loved, seen, known, and safe. And I didn’t want my life to be wasted. Mixed with my good desires were pride, misplaced hope, reliance on my works, people pleasing, and over-functioning which all led to unnecessary exhaustion.
Ten years later and my love for God is deeper than ever. He held me and holds me still. He is my hope. My love for my kids is deeper and wider than ever. They’re beautiful people – inside and out. I couldn’t fix my marriage, and I’m still trying to figure out what not wasting my life means.
After reading my ten year old post, I can say with confidence I’ve grown as a writer. The technical stuff is a struggle still. Unbeknownst to me and accidentally, my ten year old post went out into the world again yesterday. Ten years ago, I’d have spent days worried about that mistake. Today, I learn from it and move on.
I don’t have it all figured out but I’m learning and loving and living.
Here’s a link to that original post ten years ago. It was posted originally on my blog called Full-Time and migrated over with the rest of the posts when I launched this site.